Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
