Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
