1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize