Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
