Sry I called you an 8
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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