There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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