i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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