he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm getting married
To pizza
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
