if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
a search helicopter?!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
