i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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