Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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