a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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