In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
