i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
