We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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