the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize