I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
