but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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