im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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