Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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