you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
