Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
