What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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