i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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