I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize