On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
