He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
