I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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