There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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