Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
