I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
