Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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