I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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