i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
