Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
