i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am mentally ready for anal.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
