Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
