If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
