he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
