I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
