Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
