Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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