i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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