watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
