there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
