I could make wine with my vomit
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
