this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
