I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
