Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
