3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Oh god it's open bar.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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