I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
