4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
