I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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