ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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