broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
