At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Of course I have a pirate flag
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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