i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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