I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
