He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
