Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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