are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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