make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
