I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
