Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
