i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
