The maid of honor just puked.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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