Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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