My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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