i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
